when i met my love i was vegan
he was eating meat
and real butter and cheese at every breakfast
and i wasn't committed or disciplined enough to not eat the tasty butter and cheese while sitting next to him enjoying it
it's easy to avoid in the supermarkets but
in the softness of mornings we met in the middle,
probably both hoping that the other will change, come closer to one's own ways.
this spring, we bought an old house together, in the middle of nowhere in Sweden.
it sits on the edge of the forest
looking out over a valley of small farms
sometimes we climb out through the window
and sit on the roof above the entrance
to get the best view of the sunset glowing from the back of the hill on the other side of the valley, colouring the whole sky pink for a while almost every night.
we have been longing to live closer to nature,
him longing for a forest to place a desk and a chair in for writing
and i to grow roots somewhere.
semi secretly, wishing for a way to get far away from everything
NATURE IS GOOD
is written in large calm convincing letters on the packages of butter in sweden
next to this image of a cow drawn with what looks like a slight smile:
the brand of butter is owned by the dairy processing company that basically has a monopoly, their trucks seem impossibly large on the tiny gravel road while passing by our house
one of the first days of summer, we were sitting outside on the wild lawn eating sandwiches and he was in such a good mood
saying: This is all so incredibly beautiful! I've never heard so many birds singing, and bees buzzing, even the cows are roaring in the sunshine!
he was saying it with such a wide smile, looking like he’d landed in paradise and that place is our own unbelievable paradise, but i was listening to this cow that kept roaring,
it was this deep roar as if she was emptying all the air she had inside, for her scream to reach as long as it possibly could and then in a little bit she would repeat it again, and again, she just continued
and i remembered reading about how cow mothers would scream for days in devastation for their calves after they are taken away, scream in despair and with grief but continuing with hope that their lost child would hear and find its way back to them
i wished i wasn't chewing on the cheese while we heard her
but i ate up as always
chewing slowly while watching my love with his eyes closed towards the sun
wondering if i should tell him or just swallow